depreesed and sick of tired of this

oo dora kc bob bob kc loli

I'm with my cousin KC right now while typing this. she's couning 1 - 15 which is preety impressive for a 2-year old kid. I wake up this morning hearing people screaming and KC crying. YUP its like this every morning. Kevins' going to summer school and has his needs that he wants Ate Gina to get it for him.

'Te get me this and that!'
'hold on!'
'faster!'
'wait!'
'hurry!'
'coming!'
'Where is it?!'
'here!'

Keanu has nothing to do, go to other room where KC was quitely watching her cartoon at NickJr and he change the channel to Jack TV to watch wrestling. KC cries, yelling Bob Bob! Bob Bob! Keanu shouts No! I dont like you! I wake up grabbing KC, brought her to the room where I slept, open the TV and change the channel to NickJr.

sigh

that's not the bad part. the bad part is trying to sleep at night.

feeling tired and exausted with nothing to do but read the whole day, my eyes are tired and i want to get some sleep and wake up early tommorow. keanu is still in the room watching tv, lights on. Kevin is downstairs watching tv. I tried to sleep with the light on and ignore the volume of the tv. I soon fell asleep and woke up again. the lights are still on and so is the tv. i checked the time. 2a.m. I took a look around the room and no one is in the room. Great!, i thought to myself. I mean the least you can do is off the lights and turn off the tv. dont you know your parents are paying electric bills? Keanu must have dash off the room maybe have slip his mind that the someone in the room is sleeping and have the certacy to you know close the door, off the lights and turn off the tv or maybe his just plain damn lazy to do those simple stuff.

well look at the bright side. he's gone. I have to forced myself to closed the door, off the lights and turn off the tv and go happily back to sleep. 3a.m. i woke up by my auntie's voice. she was scoulding her son for being awake in the middle of the night. serve him right. he went to the room, open the lights and turn on the tv. whats worst he leave it on for another half an hour. i couldnt go back to sleep. he's 11 and he tries so hard to be a grown up. i heard him said to his brother that he doesnt want to go to sleep. i mean come on! if you dont want to sleep get out of the room and dont bring your "i dont want to sleep" to the bedroom cause that's where people sleep at night. well i guess he wouldnt know that cause he's 11 years old!and have no respect to anyone. invading my privacy without asking me, he think he's older and smarter than me when CLEARLY he's not. he think he could just control me by black-mailling me and taking my stuff.

you know what sometimes i feel tired. Tired of being too nice. I mean yeah I tried so hard to be nice, trying to be a good role model,someone they could look up to and follow BUT instead they take advantage of me. Sometimes i feel like throwing a rock at his head or stabbing him in tha back with a knife. I want to kill him, bring him back to life and kill him all over again. that's how much he annoys me and he really get's into my nerve.

I'm tired of being a staircase. where people just walk all over me. next thing you know i'll be
like hitler. killing everyone just to show the world that i'm no more miss lil nice girl and that no one will ever mock me or take advantage of me ever again. but the difference between me and hitler is that I know its not my place to take revengce and judge people. so i'm just going to let it go and let karma take its place.

I remember a conversation between bryan and I once upon a time. cant remember the exact words but it goes something like this.

B: "Sarah your too nice."
S: "what i cant help it. its in my genes, i guess"
B: "okay. lets say your in a life and death situation and your starving to death."
S: "okay"
B: "there's two of you in the room starving and you never met this person before, and you had one piece of bread."
S: "So.."
B: "What would you do? give it or keep it to yourself. remember your starving and your about to die!"
S: "can i just half it?"
B: "you cant half a piece of bread. it either you safe yourself and let that person die or you die and that person
lives."
S: "okay then i'll give it to that person."
B: "Sarah your not just nice. YOUR CRAZY

i cant wait to get out of here. having my own place and perhaps my privacy and my life back.

i hate this country. all it does is make me cry everyday in the middle of the night. i hate this country because most of the population is christian, there's more than a hundred church here and still i feel so far away from GOD. I feel that my faith is dropping by the seconds. I feel like there's no one i can turn to. There's no where i could run. yes i'm with my cousin and relatives but I dont know them. Dont get me wrong i love them cause their my relatives but the truth is to me their just strangers to me. I feel like its me against philippines. I envy kuya adrian. he's here with his family and he's enjoying it. He kept asking me, "Sarah let's watch da vinci." and all i ever did was declining his request."sarah its may 24. opening of x-men 3 lets hang out and watch." he's enjoying his life here. he's basically living my expectation on what i have planned on doing here. Everything is going the total opposite. that is why i'm expecting the worse out of school, dorm, my life and everything.

If this country was Big Brother, I'll happily ask for a voluntary exit and go back to Brunei. yeah i've been watching too much of big brother. help wanted, desperately. story of my life.